For the past couple of weeks, there have been some heavy things on my mind regarding the family member who molested me. One particular question that I would love to ask him is, “Who hurt you?” I really believe that’s what led him to hurt me. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still not an excuse for what he did because I didn’t grow wanting to molest any other kids. I am curious about the root of his problem, which is what led to the title of today’s blog post.
I do feel a little sorry for him though. He never got the help that he needed which led to several personal problems including him molesting me. I’m at the point where I’m not looking for anyone to feel sorry for me because I’ve been healing for the past four years. I’ve had help and support since day one. I’ve been able to move on, and not allow what he did dictate my present or future, but what about him? You can’t tell me that he sits at home and this doesn’t eat at him. Imagine how much he may be suffering from what he did. Think about it. As a child someone may have hurt him, and he ended up growing into this great monster. He never received any help for his pain, so he took his pain out on someone else…ME. After years of abusing me, he may have pushed it to the back of his mind, just like I did, but memories can be a *****! Ask me how I know! This is where I almost start feeling sorry for him. The things I hate the most about memories are they don’t care when they pop up, how they pop up and where they pop up. Through my years of healing, I’ve learned how to control my reactions when those memories do decide to show up. For someone who hasn’t healed at all, those memories can eat you alive. So I’m wondering, how does my abuser deal with all of these horrible memories from childhood up until what he did to me or even any other girls? I know some people may say, he’s reaping what he sowed, karma is taking place…..and I understand that, but I still almost feel sorry for him. Maybe it’s the Christian side of me that’s actually concerned about his soul rather than what he did to me. What he did is in the past now. There’s no going back into time, no erasing the past, none of that. All we have is the present and the future, which is what I’m more concerned about and what I focus on.
So, I almost feel sorry for him because I know deep down inside he’s hurting and so is his soul, and it may be an eternal hurt if he doesn’t invite GOD inside to forgive and heal. I don’t wish any harm on him and neither do I wish for him to go to the lake of fire, but there are times I pray for him. He needs healing and forgiveness, and all of us have been at that point. So, yes, I do feel sorry for him. I pray that he finds both forgiveness and healing before it’s too late.