It Never Goes Away...AMWT 2.10
Normally when people are diagnosed with a sickness, something simple as an ear infection, stomach virus, or sinus infection, doctors prescribe medication to alleviate the pain and to make the sickness eventually go away. Whatever the sickness is, majority of us visit the doctor so we can feel better. There are some sicknesses that may not go away so easily, and there are some that may never go away. Some become dormant and may rise up at different times throughout an individual’s life.
As a survivor of sexual abuse, I often wish there was a medication that could alleviate the pain or just simply make the past go away. (Now before some of you go spiritual on me, I’ll get there) But seriously, if you think about it, there is nothing that the doctor can prescribe to make it all go away. There is nothing to kill the pain or remove the infection that was “planted” inside of me at such an early age. So even after dealing with my past, I constantly suffer from the pain that was caused from my abuse from time to time. Sometimes months past, and I’m perfectly fine. The next couple of months seem disastrous in my mind. The affects of abuse suck! Don’t get me wrong; I’m still a strong woman and a strong survivor, but there are times I don’t feel like I am. At the end of the day, I know those moments will pass. It is so difficult to explain this “sickness” to those who have never experienced it before. Sometimes I cry alone just to let out the pain. I think about how I was abused, the mistakes and wrong decisions I made, and then I question God, asking why did HE allow me to experience such a chaotic life? Sometimes I feel like something is wrong with me, and then it leads to me having crazy thoughts…like how my life can turn completely upside down or how it can end up so much worse than what it is now! I’m often embarrassed by my thoughts of craving sex and sexual attention. I think I’m only embarrassed because I’m the daughter of a Bishop and also a praise and worship leader, but I remind myself I’m human. Uhhhh daddy, if you’re reading this….ummm sorry. So, I ask again, what can doctors prescribe to make it go away? Now, I know psychologists or psychiatrists may recommend certain medications for our mental illnesses, but I personally do not want anything that will just numb the pain. I need something that will make it go away!
Okay, now for the spiritual side. Now, I do have a relationship with God, and it has grown more over the past three years than I can ever imagine. I talk to God every morning before I start my day, and then talk to him at night before I shut down. I thank GOD for where HE has brought me from and where HE’s taking me. Now I asked, what can doctors prescribe, and I know the answer. The answer is simply, NOTHING. There is nothing a doctor can prescribe that will bring inner peace, inner joy, strength and peace to the mind. It only comes from GOD. Daily prayer and a daily dosage of the word will help alleviate the pain. A scripture that is always on time is Jeremiah 29:11:
“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.”
This scripture will encourage me every time. When I begin thinking about how I feel my life can change for the worse, I remember this scripture. God is preparing me for a much better ending. He doesn’t think evil towards me; neither does he want my life filled with turmoil or pain. He would much rather me have peace, which can only come from Him. Every morning, I begin my prayer by thanking GOD for the peace, strength, and joy that only comes from HIM. No one or nothing can give that to me…. not family, not friends, not money, not sex, not drugs, not alcohol, NOTHING!
So, right now, I’m patient when it comes to dealing with my pain. Yes, it hurts. Yes, I want it to go away. Every day isn’t horrible. I have more good days than bad. I still smile, and I’m still strong. I must continue my dosage of prayer and the word in order to alleviate my pain because one day I’m going to enjoy being pain free forever!