“A sexual response or orgasm in the course of sexual assault is often the best-kept and most deeply shameful secret of many survivors. If you are such a survivor, it's essential that you know that sexual response in sexual assault is extremely common, well-documented and nothing for you to be ashamed of.”
2008 Pandora Project
When I was younger up until three years ago, I thought something was seriously wrong with me when it came to my sex drive and my sexual hormones. I was so ashamed that I felt that way, and I never shared it with anyone. I wanted to but was so embarrassed. I had never talked about sex with my family and of course it was never discussed at church. The most the pastor ever said was don’t fornicate. I always felt like churches preached so much on not having sex until marriage, but never told us why (other than the bible saying it). They didn’t tell us what sex was for and why it was important to wait. Little did I know that being molested at such a young age was going to have me searching for that feeling of an orgasm for what seemed like the rest of my life. Shortly after being molested, I began searching for a feeling that was introduced to me by a grown man. I didn’t know that my body would respond sexually while I was being molested. When I thought about it, I was very ashamed and felt dirty. I didn’t enjoy being molested, but my body responded as if I did. So, like I said, I started searching for that feeling. I didn’t know it was called an orgasm at the time, but that’s what I was searching for. I started masturbating at a very early age. (I didn’t even know it was called that at the time.) There were times when I would masturbate and could hear my rapist’s voice in my ear, whispering the way he did anytime he got to me. It was as if his voice was recorded and was being played over and over in my ear until I would orgasm. I did this for years. As I got older, I still needed that feeling of an orgasm. Going through the stages of having sex with guys or trying to give guys a reason to like me, I was never pleased sexually. I would pretend to enjoy it. I would always give myself that orgasm I was looking for once I got back into my bed.
Of course I never shared any of my sexual problems with anyone because I was ashamed and just too embarrassed of what I was doing. I was this Christian who was heavily active in the church, the daughter of a minister and then later a pastor, and most of all I was a female. I didn’t want to reveal any of it so, I kept it all hidden. I often wondered who else felt like me or had the same problem that I had. I was lonely and always felt like if I had said something, I would be misunderstood.
“In effect, these problems show that women have difficulty as adults recovering the sexual aspects of themselves that were stolen from them during their childhood years.” Rape, Incest, and Child Sexual Abuse.
It’s a struggle, and I’m still fighting and recovering. I won’t give up because healing continues