"I even remember thinking-- I would rather deal with being abused all over as a child than to deal with the effects of it."
There have been times when I’ve focused more on the battle more than my recovery. So, which one needs more attention? Well, I have come to realize that the recovery process needs more attention. I’m not saying the battle is no longer important, but I am saying after the battle has been won, it’s time to move on and recover.
So what was your biggest battle? Well, those of you who know my story know that my biggest battle was enduring sexual abuse. I was in that battle as a child and even as an adult. I survived it all, so I feel like I won the battle. I used to hear the phrase “you’ve been through the worst part already, so everything else will be easier.” When I first heard the phrase, I was like, yeah, that’s right! Let’s get this recovery started, BUT the more I dealt with the pain of my past, it was hard to believe that phrase. My life seemed to get harder, my emotions were all over the place, and I started wishing that I had remained silent. I even remember thinking-- I would rather deal with being abused all over as a child than to deal with the effects of it. I hated the recovery process. Although I’ve never had a drug addiction or dealt with alcoholism, I can imagine it’s the same way. Trying to recover from any type of addiction or alcoholism is a frustrating fight by itself. Yes, it’s much easier to say that I’m going to quit this or stop doing that, but what about after it’s said? How bad is the struggle? What do you do when the urges are pulling on you? Recovering it’s not as easy as people think it is.
Now, from a spiritual aspect, some may say that you have to want it, and yes that’s true. I’ve even battled with that in my mind. I started comparing my situations to different acts in the Bible. I thought it was unfair that there were “immediate” healings and deliverances demonstrated, and yes I have seen some today. BUT…..what about me? Why is my process taking so long? I know deliverance doesn’t always happen overnight, but sometimes I get frustrated!
Despite where I am in my recovery, my faith is not shaken. I’m still a firm believer that when GOD fully delivers me, in HIS time, I’ll be even stronger. Yes, GOD allowed me to win that battle of sexual abuse, and I have no doubt that HE‘s still with me while I’m recovering. So yes, even after the battle, I’m still fighting!