As I continue to progress I still cry.
A few weeks back, I wrote about how I feel when I’m knocked back a couple of steps as I continue to move on in this journey. Well, I had one of those nights again. Well, let me back up. The night before, which would’ve been Tuesday night, I woke up screaming at 3:00 in the morning. No one was grabbing me or touching me, but all I could hear was voices. It scared me to hear voices in my head; it seemed as if they were coming from every direction. I sat up for a while and looked around and finally went back to sleep.
So last night as I was showering, I was praying and crying. I was begging GOD to not let me go backwards and not to let my mind be overtaken. I’m always praying for my mind. There have been plenty of times that I could’ve just lost my mind, so I cherish being in my right mind. So, I prayed and cried and thanked GOD for bringing me to where I am now. Even in the midst of crying, I still had to tell HIM thank you because HE’s still keeping me.
So I got into bed, and cried a little bit more. The tears wouldn’t stop coming. So I received a notification on IG regarding the new survivor project I’m doing. Shortly I began chatting back and forth with a fellow survivor, and we both starting venting (BTW I love meeting new survivors), and I started feeling better as time passed. She talked about her experience a little bit, and I talked about mine. The more we talked, the better I felt. Of course we had some similar effects, and there were some different reactions we had from the sexual abuse. We both agreed that we hated nights like last night….when you feel like you’re getting knocked back. I told her it’s like you have to fuss at yourself and say, “Look, you’ve been here before. You know what this feels like. You’re gonna get through it, again.”
That’s exactly what I have to remind myself when I have nights like last night because as I continue to progress, I still cry.