As my World Turns-16

“Rape is not a crime of lust…but is a deliberate, hostile, violent act of degradation and possession on the part on a would-be conquerer [sic], designed to intimidate and inspire fear.” Pat Gimartin

Some people believe that rape is about sex, but it definitely isn’t. Either way I view it, I still wonder what makes an adult want to “have sex” with a child when there are plenty of adults that are willing to give it away. Two things come to my mind: #1, he or she is twisted in the head, and #2, he or she is looking to gain power---or as stated in the quote, looking to be a conqueror and to intimidate and inspire fear.

I’m not sure if my rapist was actually lusting after my small six-year-old body (sounds disgusting right?), but either way there was something going on in his head that obviously wasn’t right. Looking back over those 20 years I remained silent, I didn’t feel degraded, intimidated and fearful until I started dealing with my past. The worst part of course was the actual trauma: the rape itself, his touching, the way he looked at me (almost sickens me just thinking about it), but as an adult the effects of CSA (childhood sexual abuse) seems to be greater than the rape! If I want to be honest, suppressing the rape was so much better than dealing with it. It comes with so much, but it’s a part of the healing process, which means it has to be done. Dealing with everything I suppressed over those 20 years made me so fearful. I was afraid of what I could possibly become or what could even happen to me. I feared being alone, misunderstood, and most importantly feared that I would never be okay. I was intimidated by my past. My past was bigger than my present state and future. I was powerless and, I let my rapist win.

Rape is not about lust or sex. It’s all about the power one can take away from another individual. Rapists are just cowards because they prey on the weak or when individuals are most vulnerable, and try their best to become conquerors that will rule over your life. I’m proud to say that my rapist has no power over me. I’m no longer under his “spell” or controlled by what he did to me. I’m no longer intimidated by my past because my future looks so freaking awesome. God has not given me the spirit of fear, so I have no need to fear what I will become or what I have already become. I have power and lies within my voice. That’s why I’m not afraid.

I hate to close, but I gotta go!


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